I have a really hard time with "me" because I still don't know how to fully define the word as it applies to myself but here I go....

About a year ago I became depressed. I was sad, crabby, irritable, I felt alone and unappreciated. It took everything I had to get out of bed everyday and face my, what I considered then, pathetic life. Days would go by and I would not change my clothes, brush my teeth, shower, or even leave the house.  There were times I would go sit in my car and contemplate driving away and never looking back. I was suffering, my kids were suffering, my marriage was suffering but I did not care.

In September I fell and sprained my ankle.  It was a really bad sprain that had me out of commission for nearly 5 months. In February I went to see my Orthopedic Doc and expressed my concerns about my weight gain and overall feeling crappy (crappier??) from sitting on the couch for 5 months.  I told him that I was thinking of running again.  I then asked him if I was clear to start and he responded by telling me that running was not an option for me.  I considered that an unacceptable answer.

I left his office, went to Target, bought an ankle and a knee brace, went home, and got on the treadmill.  It hurt. BAD. I was slow but I pushed on. Eventually my ankle and my knee got stronger until I was able to jog for 20 mins. without stopping.

For my birthday Ryan bought me an elliptical machine.  It has been a lifesaver. I was able to get rid of my knee and ankle braces and I run 3 miles nearly everyday.  I have lost 20 lbs. so far, I have energy, I have endurance, and I have strength.  I have confidence and self worth.  I am happier, my kids are happier, my husband is happier.

I'm not saying that running and losing weight changed me.  It didn't.  But it was a start.  A start to achieving goals. To not listening to anyone who tells me I can't. To taking control. To learning how to achieve.  All things I never believed myself capable of.

I am still depressed.  I still have days where every.single.task feels like I'm trying to climb Mt. Everest I Cry. I cry alot.  But unlike my tears from before, these tears feel good because I am working.  I am moving forward.  I am making progress.

I like routine. I like knowing. I like control. But those are all cushions to me.  Incapable of any change so I had to throw them out. It was hard.  I am learning to take each day as it comes.  All the differences, all the obstacles, all the challenges,  all the unknown.  It is scary but I do it. And everyday I am stronger because if it.

I can't honestly tell you who I am today, and chances are that I probably will not be able to answer that question a month from now.  But one day I will be able to answer and answer in confidence.  I cant wait for that day.

For now I am going to write.  Blogging is something I like to do. It will probably be randomLight and happy at times, deep and sad at others.  This will be good for me.

All photos were found on we heart it LOVE that site.

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