I have a really hard time with
"me" because I still don't know how to
fully define the word as it applies to
myself but here I go....
About a year ago I became
depressed. I was sad, crabby, irritable, I felt
alone and unappreciated. It took everything I had to get out of bed everyday and face my, what I considered then,
pathetic life.
Days would go by and I would not change my clothes,
brush my teeth, shower, or even leave the house. There were times I would go sit in my car and contemplate driving away and
never looking back. I was
suffering, my kids were
suffering, my marriage was
suffering but I did not care.
In
September I fell and
sprained my ankle. It was a really bad sprain that had me out of commission for nearly 5 months. In
February I went to see my Orthopedic Doc and expressed my concerns about my
weight gain and overall
feeling crappy (crappier??) from sitting on the couch for 5 months. I told him that I was thinking of running again. I then asked him if I was clear to start and he responded by telling me that
running was not an option for me. I considered that an
unacceptable answer.
I left his office, went to Target, bought an ankle and a knee brace, went home, and got on the treadmill. It hurt.
BAD. I was slow but I
pushed on. Eventually my ankle and my knee got stronger until I was able to jog for 20 mins. without stopping.
For my birthday Ryan bought me an elliptical machine. It has been a
lifesaver. I was able to get rid of my knee and ankle braces and I run 3 miles nearly everyday. I have lost 20 lbs. so far, I have
energy, I have
endurance, and I have
strength. I have
confidence and
self worth. I am
happier, my kids are
happier, my husband is
happier.
I'm not saying that running and losing weight
changed me. It didn't. But it was a
start. A start to
achieving goals. To not listening to
anyone who tells me I
can't. To
taking control. To
learning how to achieve. All things I never
believed myself capable of.
I am still
depressed. I still have days where every.single.task feels like
I'm trying to climb Mt. Everest.
I Cry. I cry alot. But unlike my tears from before, these tears
feel good because I am
working. I am
moving forward. I am
making progress.
I like
routine. I like
knowing. I like
control. But those are all
cushions to me.
Incapable of any
change so I had to throw them out.
It was hard. I am learning to
take each day as it comes. All the
differences, all the
obstacles, all the
challenges, all the
unknown. It is
scary but I do it. And everyday I am
stronger because if it.
I can't honestly tell you who I am today, and chances are that I probably will not be able to answer that question a month from now. But one day I will be able to answer and answer in confidence.
I cant wait for that day.
For now I am going to
write. Blogging is something I
like to do. It will probably be
random.
Light and happy at times,
deep and sad at others. This will be
good for me.
All photos were found on
we heart it LOVE that site.